Most writers go through periods of being incredibly busy and then being incredibly not busy (like the turn of phrase?). It happens. More ambitious writers will tell you the best way to ensure there are no downtimes is to always be marketing yourself, even when you are busy. Lucky for you, I’m not so ambitious. So instead, I’m going to tell you some fun ways you can pass the time while waiting for more clients to come in. In the event that you never have any slow times (show off), the following can also be used to procrastinate.

1. Create a vision board of the clients you most desire and people whose careers you’d most like to emulate. Fill it up. Be sure to include pictures of famous people, because there is no more noble desire than fame. Once the vision board is done, stare longingly at it and think to yourself, “I am putting it out in the universe that George Clooney will call me to write a fantastic speech for him.” Jump a little when the phone rings, because you’ve actually convinced yourself that he WILL call. Feel stupid when it’s just a Telus representative trying to convince you to switch phone companies. Hide the vision board because everyone you know will mock you mercilessly for having it.

2. Keep telemarketers on the phone longer than you should, just so you have someone to talk to. Because you know you’re not really interested in their newest bundle or savings, but it’s just so nice to hear someone else’s voice. Ask lots of questions to keep them talking and say things like, “That sounds very good, but what else can you tell me about your subscription service? Does the bundle include Internet services? It does? What can you tell me about the gigs and the RAMS and the memory usage data? What do you think the Blue Jays’ chances are of making it to the World Series this year?”

3. Torment your cats by waking them from their naps every 30 minutes to pick them up and snuggle them. Give them lots of kisses, because they LOVE that. Hold them a few moments longer than they’d actually like and see which one makes the most unimpressed face (in my house, Kanoa looks the most unimpressed, but Oskar does this awesome thing where he goes completely limp in your arms when he’s given up on ever being put down again). Watch the Whiskas “Snuggly Boss” commercial and imagine how much better the commercial would be if they just put a camera in your office and recorded for about eight hours. Then imagine how much richer you would be. Then imagine how you’d spend your money. Lie to yourself because deep down you know you wouldn’t give THAT much to charity, but it feels nice to pretend.

4. Read the list of Oscar nominations and imagine what it will be like when you’re nominated for an Oscar (Best Original Screenplay, of course) and all the celebrities want to be near you. Because of COURSE they all want to be near the person who writes the screenplays. That’s exactly how it works in the real world. But with you, it’ll be different, because you’re just the right mix of startlingly intelligent, bitingly witty, deeply insightful, completely mysterious and stunningly beautiful, with a bit of coy thrown into the mix. So why wouldn’t they want to be near you?

5. Check your email relentlessly. How else will you know if someone emailed you in the last 5 minutes? Do the same with any social media accounts you have. Be sure to update your Facebook status to something that proclaims to everyone how incredibly busy you are. It’s important to keep up appearances.

6. Go through all your pens so you can get rid of the dry ones. All the pens. Yes, even the ones in the bottom drawer. Yes, and the ones you left in the basement. And your bag. Yes, go out to your car and get those ones, too. And the ones that you left on the bookshelves and by the television and on top of the fridge. And under your bed.

7. Engage in a debate with your cat about the use of the Oxford comma. Really impress him by showing him statistics, data and websites that back up your stance. There’s no point having a debate if you’re not prepared.

8. Start a blog (that’s actually the reason most people start blogs; they’re bored or procrastinating).

9. Go to Google. Type in the phrase “best writers under the age of 30.” Contemplate the ramifications of developing a drinking problem when you read glowing reviews of all the amazing writers who’ve done amazing things with their amazing gifts, all under the amazing age of 30.

10. Decide you’re going to write a book. Come up with the book’s title and all chapter titles. Imagine the glowing reviews from JK Rowling, Stephen King, Michael Ondaatje and other great writers. Feel happy about your imagined future success. Go to bed and vow that tomorrow, you’ll actually seek out paying clients.