On Writing and Puppies

April 17, 2012

heidit General Musings, Writing , , 8 Comments

My two regular readers may have noticed I’ve neglected this blog lately. With apologies to them, the reason for this neglect is that I adopted a puppy two months ago and he has taken up all of my time and energy, to say nothing of my money. Having a puppy is great, but it turns a happy freelancer into an exhausted, frustrated and occasionally weepy freelancer. Now that puppy is nearing four months old (with 30 pounds of limitless energy to keep me occupied and tired), I again have time to focus on my favourite blog. And because I love to share lessons with everyone, I can officially state that having a puppy has forced me to rethink my writing, or at the very least ponder how writing and puppy training are similar (because when you have a puppy, you spend a lot of time standing outside waiting for him to find the perfect spot to go to the bathroom, which gives you time to ponder things and perhaps find similarities where none exist).

In fact, training a puppy and writing are a lot alike. Both require you to be clear and concise (depending, of course, on your puppy’s or your client’s intelligence). You can’t ramble on when you’re training a puppy to sit. It’s counterproductive. All you do is waste your energy while the puppy stands there, head cocked to one side with a look of bewilderment on his face as he ponders his next act of rebellion.

Puppies don’t understand, “Please just sit. It’s 11:00 at night and I want to go to bed, but I need you to sit for a moment so I can get ready before bedtime. It’s been a long day and I’ve let you chew up most of the things you wanted to chew up, except for the cats because they don’t really like you chewing on their legs, but it doesn’t seem to be enough for you because right now, when I’m asking you to sit, you won’t sit. You just stand there refusing to obey a direct order. It’s like you don’t have any respect for my authority. Have I not been good to you? Do I not treat you well? Do I not deserve to have you sit when I say sit? I’m just a girl, standing in front of a puppy, asking that puppy to sit.” [Note also that dogs do not appreciate the humour of paraphrased movie quotes.]

Puppies understand one word in that monologue: Sit. Say it once, say it clearly and firmly and pretty soon, they’ll learn that the word “sit” requires an action on their part. But by rambling, you’ve wasted time, energy and the puppy’s good will, much like how you can lose the reader’s good will by going on and on when a few words will do (sort of like how I’ve gone on and on here, but I blame it on exhaustion). Once you’ve lost the puppy’s good will and attention, anarchy and chaos take over and the puppy will turn his attention to more fun matters, like chewing your shoe (I’m not saying your readers will chew your shoes when you lose their attention, but I’m also not saying it won’t happen).

Puppies, like your reader, need things to be clear and concise. “Sit,” “Stay,” and “Stop.” Don’t use 100 words when one word will do.

So the next time you’re writing, ask yourself if all those words are necessary or if there is a way of being more clear and concise in your writing. If there is, change it. Your reader will thank you for it.

Despite the frustration, occasional weeping fits (when he just won’t stop biting my leg) and broken sleep, I love having a puppy around. I could speak more about some of the traits required of a good dog guardian, but I haven’t developed most of them. I know you’re supposed to be calm and assertive when dealing with dogs, but my natural state is a combination of panicky-submissive, a state that I haven’t fully changed, so I’ll leave it at that.

Meanwhile, I think my cats hate me a little right now. But they do love a good paraphrased movie quote, so I think I can win them over: “Shut up. You had me at meow.”  Yeah, they’ll love that.

The Joys of Imagination (or, When Two Heidi Turners Collide)

January 26, 2012

heidit General Musings, Writing , , , 9 Comments

One of the great things about being a writer is when the opportunity presents itself, you can amuse yourself for hours on end by dreaming up brilliant ideas. It doesn’t matter if no one else appreciates the ideas; because they’re in your imagination they only have to entertain you. If you have a blog, you can share those imaginings with others, boring them to tears with thoughts that are amusing only to you.

Recently, the opportunity arose for literally limitless entertainment. An incredibly intelligent gal, with what I’m sure is a wicked sense of humour, mentioned me on Twitter. This was not new, but what was new was that she has the same name as me. Yup. Heidi Turner. Not only that, but geographically speaking, she lives near me AND is involved in a writing-related career (public relations). The other night, we chatted briefly about some of the implications of us finding each other. I have since come up with guaranteed ways for us to make money off this (similar to when Joey found his hand double on Friends). Because this is my blog, I’m sharing them with you, and I don’t care if you’re not entertained because I think these ideas are amazing.

1. Hit Song

Title: I’m Heidi, You’re Heidi

Premise: Sung in a style similar to uplifting Disney songs (such as “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid, or “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast). You know, where the girl sings that her life is unfulfilled and her potential unmet, while others sing that she doesn’t fit in. So she demonstrates how different she is from everyone by singing about her problems to no one (or to birds). “I’m Heidi, You’re Heidi,” will touch on such themes of unmet potential, inability to fit in and generally not understanding your purpose in life until the point in the song where the two Heidi Turners meet, and realize their true greatness. (To be composed by Alan Menken.)

Obviously, there will be a music video, which must include a shot of the two Heidi Turners staring wistfully out a window–different windows, obviously–at the rain and then shaking their heads sadly. Then they will cuddle with an animal while staring–still wistfully–at their fireplaces.

Potential: Guaranteed to debut at number one on the Billboard charts and win the Heidi Turners a Grammy for Best New Artist (especially because the Grammy people could save money on engraving by writing Heidi Turner once).

2. Half-hour Sitcom

Title: Heidi!

Tagline: Can they share an apartment, an office AND a name?

Premise: Two Heidi Turners share an apartment and an office. One Heidi is more uptight and rigid, while the other is more relaxed and “go with the flow” (which Heidi Turner is which has yet to be determined). Hilarity, and confusion, ensues because people have a hard time keeping the two Heidi Turners straight. This includes coworkers, friends and boyfriends. Each episode ends with one or both of the Heidi Turners looking at the other one with mild condescension, shaking her head and saying, “How can I be mad? That’s so Heidi Turner!” and shrugging her shoulders.

Potential: Easily a top 10 hit, definitely an Emmy for Best Comedy. It will also be the first time two actors with the same name will be nominated for Best Actress in a Comedy, but in a dramatic twist of fate, we split the vote because no one knows exactly which Heidi Turner they’re voting for, so Melissa McCarthy wins. But that’s okay, we’re happy just being nominated.

3. Hour-long Dramedy

Title: Heidi vs. Heidi

Tagline: They were battling each other, and themselves

Premise: Two Heidi Turners have been trained by different arms of the CIA (I thought of using CSIS, but who are we kidding, Canada?). Initially, they both think the other Heidi Turner is the bad guy. But part way through the pilot they realize that they must join forces to defeat the truly evil bad guys (who will obviously be vaguely communist). At some point in the pilot, around the moment they realize they must work together, one of the really bad guys will have a Heidi Turner trapped. It will look like the end, until the other Heidi Turner shows up, waves her hand in a pacifist manner and says in a non-threatening tone, “This is not the Heidi Turner you seek.” The bad guys will walk away somewhat confused, but amazed by the awesomeness of the Heidi Turners.

There should also be hints that some sort of rift in the universe has occurred to allow two Heidi Turners to work for the CIA at once. Either that or there’s a mystical island involved, which may or may not be travelling through time (I expect when J.J. Abrams hears this premise he will be ALL OVER IT, so the ball’s in your court, Abrams.) Bonus points if we show the two Heidi Turners fighting evil as hippies in the 60s.

Potential: Obviously a critical and commercial hit. It will be the source of discussion, speculation and theory every week. I expect that Doc Jensen from Entertainment Weekly will run a column discussing his theories on the show and how two Heidi Turners can exist at one place and time without the universe collapsing on itself. Bonus points if he can work a reference to Charles Dickens into his theories.

4. Reality Show

Title: Trading Heidi Turners (or Heidi Turner Swap)

Premise: We each live each other’s lives while the cameras follow us around. Drama ensues when people are confused by which Heidi Turner they’re talking to. Heidi Klum makes a guest appearance but, because she’s not a Heidi Turner, whenever she’s on camera the background music is “One of These Things is not Like the Other.” Heidi Turner catch phrases to include, (said in a sassy voice,) “Which Heidi Turner did you THINK you were talking to?” and “Oh HELL no. Not THIS Heidi Turner.”

Potential: Bigger hit than The Biggest Loser.

Obviously, there’s a great deal of potential for this “Two Heidi Turners” thing. I have to work on more ideas and also get my pitch for J.J. Abrams together. I know the dramedy could save NBC.

Entertaining Yourself During the Slow Times

January 24, 2012

heidit General Musings, Writing , , , , 13 Comments

Most writers go through periods of being incredibly busy and then being incredibly not busy (like the turn of phrase?). It happens. More ambitious writers will tell you the best way to ensure there are no downtimes is to always be marketing yourself, even when you are busy. Lucky for you, I’m not so ambitious. So instead, I’m going to tell you some fun ways you can pass the time while waiting for more clients to come in. In the event that you never have any slow times (show off), the following can also be used to procrastinate.

1. Create a vision board of the clients you most desire and people whose careers you’d most like to emulate. Fill it up. Be sure to include pictures of famous people, because there is no more noble desire than fame. Once the vision board is done, stare longingly at it and think to yourself, “I am putting it out in the universe that George Clooney will call me to write a fantastic speech for him.” Jump a little when the phone rings, because you’ve actually convinced yourself that he WILL call. Feel stupid when it’s just a Telus representative trying to convince you to switch phone companies. Hide the vision board because everyone you know will mock you mercilessly for having it.

2. Keep telemarketers on the phone longer than you should, just so you have someone to talk to. Because you know you’re not really interested in their newest bundle or savings, but it’s just so nice to hear someone else’s voice. Ask lots of questions to keep them talking and say things like, “That sounds very good, but what else can you tell me about your subscription service? Does the bundle include Internet services? It does? What can you tell me about the gigs and the RAMS and the memory usage data? What do you think the Blue Jays’ chances are of making it to the World Series this year?”

3. Torment your cats by waking them from their naps every 30 minutes to pick them up and snuggle them. Give them lots of kisses, because they LOVE that. Hold them a few moments longer than they’d actually like and see which one makes the most unimpressed face (in my house, Kanoa looks the most unimpressed, but Oskar does this awesome thing where he goes completely limp in your arms when he’s given up on ever being put down again). Watch the Whiskas “Snuggly Boss” commercial and imagine how much better the commercial would be if they just put a camera in your office and recorded for about eight hours. Then imagine how much richer you would be. Then imagine how you’d spend your money. Lie to yourself because deep down you know you wouldn’t give THAT much to charity, but it feels nice to pretend.

4. Read the list of Oscar nominations and imagine what it will be like when you’re nominated for an Oscar (Best Original Screenplay, of course) and all the celebrities want to be near you. Because of COURSE they all want to be near the person who writes the screenplays. That’s exactly how it works in the real world. But with you, it’ll be different, because you’re just the right mix of startlingly intelligent, bitingly witty, deeply insightful, completely mysterious and stunningly beautiful, with a bit of coy thrown into the mix. So why wouldn’t they want to be near you?

5. Check your email relentlessly. How else will you know if someone emailed you in the last 5 minutes? Do the same with any social media accounts you have. Be sure to update your Facebook status to something that proclaims to everyone how incredibly busy you are. It’s important to keep up appearances.

6. Go through all your pens so you can get rid of the dry ones. All the pens. Yes, even the ones in the bottom drawer. Yes, and the ones you left in the basement. And your bag. Yes, go out to your car and get those ones, too. And the ones that you left on the bookshelves and by the television and on top of the fridge. And under your bed.

7. Engage in a debate with your cat about the use of the Oxford comma. Really impress him by showing him statistics, data and websites that back up your stance. There’s no point having a debate if you’re not prepared.

8. Start a blog (that’s actually the reason most people start blogs; they’re bored or procrastinating).

9. Go to Google. Type in the phrase “best writers under the age of 30.” Contemplate the ramifications of developing a drinking problem when you read glowing reviews of all the amazing writers who’ve done amazing things with their amazing gifts, all under the amazing age of 30.

10. Decide you’re going to write a book. Come up with the book’s title and all chapter titles. Imagine the glowing reviews from JK Rowling, Stephen King, Michael Ondaatje and other great writers. Feel happy about your imagined future success. Go to bed and vow that tomorrow, you’ll actually seek out paying clients.

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