One of the great things about being a writer is when the opportunity presents itself, you can amuse yourself for hours on end by dreaming up brilliant ideas. It doesn’t matter if no one else appreciates the ideas; because they’re in your imagination they only have to entertain you. If you have a blog, you can share those imaginings with others, boring them to tears with thoughts that are amusing only to you.
Recently, the opportunity arose for literally limitless entertainment. An incredibly intelligent gal, with what I’m sure is a wicked sense of humour, mentioned me on Twitter. This was not new, but what was new was that she has the same name as me. Yup. Heidi Turner. Not only that, but geographically speaking, she lives near me AND is involved in a writing-related career (public relations). The other night, we chatted briefly about some of the implications of us finding each other. I have since come up with guaranteed ways for us to make money off this (similar to when Joey found his hand double on Friends). Because this is my blog, I’m sharing them with you, and I don’t care if you’re not entertained because I think these ideas are amazing.
1. Hit Song
Title: I’m Heidi, You’re Heidi
Premise: Sung in a style similar to uplifting Disney songs (such as “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid, or “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast). You know, where the girl sings that her life is unfulfilled and her potential unmet, while others sing that she doesn’t fit in. So she demonstrates how different she is from everyone by singing about her problems to no one (or to birds). “I’m Heidi, You’re Heidi,” will touch on such themes of unmet potential, inability to fit in and generally not understanding your purpose in life until the point in the song where the two Heidi Turners meet, and realize their true greatness. (To be composed by Alan Menken.)
Obviously, there will be a music video, which must include a shot of the two Heidi Turners staring wistfully out a window–different windows, obviously–at the rain and then shaking their heads sadly. Then they will cuddle with an animal while staring–still wistfully–at their fireplaces.
Potential: Guaranteed to debut at number one on the Billboard charts and win the Heidi Turners a Grammy for Best New Artist (especially because the Grammy people could save money on engraving by writing Heidi Turner once).
2. Half-hour Sitcom
Title: Heidi!
Tagline: Can they share an apartment, an office AND a name?
Premise: Two Heidi Turners share an apartment and an office. One Heidi is more uptight and rigid, while the other is more relaxed and “go with the flow” (which Heidi Turner is which has yet to be determined). Hilarity, and confusion, ensues because people have a hard time keeping the two Heidi Turners straight. This includes coworkers, friends and boyfriends. Each episode ends with one or both of the Heidi Turners looking at the other one with mild condescension, shaking her head and saying, “How can I be mad? That’s so Heidi Turner!” and shrugging her shoulders.
Potential: Easily a top 10 hit, definitely an Emmy for Best Comedy. It will also be the first time two actors with the same name will be nominated for Best Actress in a Comedy, but in a dramatic twist of fate, we split the vote because no one knows exactly which Heidi Turner they’re voting for, so Melissa McCarthy wins. But that’s okay, we’re happy just being nominated.
3. Hour-long Dramedy
Title: Heidi vs. Heidi
Tagline: They were battling each other, and themselves
Premise: Two Heidi Turners have been trained by different arms of the CIA (I thought of using CSIS, but who are we kidding, Canada?). Initially, they both think the other Heidi Turner is the bad guy. But part way through the pilot they realize that they must join forces to defeat the truly evil bad guys (who will obviously be vaguely communist). At some point in the pilot, around the moment they realize they must work together, one of the really bad guys will have a Heidi Turner trapped. It will look like the end, until the other Heidi Turner shows up, waves her hand in a pacifist manner and says in a non-threatening tone, “This is not the Heidi Turner you seek.” The bad guys will walk away somewhat confused, but amazed by the awesomeness of the Heidi Turners.
There should also be hints that some sort of rift in the universe has occurred to allow two Heidi Turners to work for the CIA at once. Either that or there’s a mystical island involved, which may or may not be travelling through time (I expect when J.J. Abrams hears this premise he will be ALL OVER IT, so the ball’s in your court, Abrams.) Bonus points if we show the two Heidi Turners fighting evil as hippies in the 60s.
Potential: Obviously a critical and commercial hit. It will be the source of discussion, speculation and theory every week. I expect that Doc Jensen from Entertainment Weekly will run a column discussing his theories on the show and how two Heidi Turners can exist at one place and time without the universe collapsing on itself. Bonus points if he can work a reference to Charles Dickens into his theories.
4. Reality Show
Title: Trading Heidi Turners (or Heidi Turner Swap)
Premise: We each live each other’s lives while the cameras follow us around. Drama ensues when people are confused by which Heidi Turner they’re talking to. Heidi Klum makes a guest appearance but, because she’s not a Heidi Turner, whenever she’s on camera the background music is “One of These Things is not Like the Other.” Heidi Turner catch phrases to include, (said in a sassy voice,) “Which Heidi Turner did you THINK you were talking to?” and “Oh HELL no. Not THIS Heidi Turner.”
Potential: Bigger hit than The Biggest Loser.
Obviously, there’s a great deal of potential for this “Two Heidi Turners” thing. I have to work on more ideas and also get my pitch for J.J. Abrams together. I know the dramedy could save NBC.
