I, [insert name here], being of reasonably sound mind and body, or at least as sound as a freelance writer can be, hereby make the following resolutions at the start of 2012. These resolutions are in effect until December, 2012, or until the point at which the resolutions become inconvenient, probably around January 15 (please note that this preamble is similar, if not identical, to the preamble of my 2011 resolutions. I may be a writer, but that is no reason to reinvent the wheel each time January 1 rolls around. Also, these resolutions will be different because last year’s were what some professionals might call a colossal disaster in that I failed on all resolutions, especially the ones about the voodoo dolls.)
1. I resolve to spend less time on Twitter, Facebook and other social media sites. I know I resolved this last year, too. But this year I really, really mean it AND I have a plan to implement it. The plan is that I can only visit those pages at the end of my work day, or when I have to post about my blog. Or when I have something to say. Or when I’m a bit bored. Or when I’ve just finished an article and need to reward myself. Or when I have a suspicion that someone I know said something valuable or linked to something important. Or when I need to procrastinate.
2. I resolve to stop resolving to take some weekends off, because all it does is cause me a great deal of guilt and cognitive dissonance when I wind up working every weekend anyhow. So instead, I’ll resolve that I’ll do the minimum amount possible on my weekends. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get one full weekend in which I don’t turn on my computer or check my Blackberry (even as I write this I know it’s highly unlikely, but a gal can dream.)
3. I resolve that at some point in the next twelve months I will take some vacation time (and time off to attend conferences doesn’t count). There is a good chance that my vacation time will actually just be that one weekend that I don’t turn on my computer. I also resolve to periodically check the prices of trips to Hawaii, Mexico and other exotic locations with the hope that doing so will trick me into thinking I’m about to take a vacation, which may be almost as good as actually taking a vacation. Maybe my brain will see pictures of Hawaii and think, “Hey, that looks good. It’s almost as if I’m there. In fact, I feel completely relaxed right now, as though I were on a beach in Hawaii. I’m practically drinking cocktails by the ocean. I haven’t felt this relaxed in a long time.” Then, when I go out in public, people will say things to me, like, “Did you just get back from vacation, you look really relaxed right now, as though you could fall asleep at any moment on account of your being so relaxed.” (Note: in this case, I accept that there is a fine line between how I look when I am very relaxed and how I look when I am exhausted.)
4. I resolve to actually write a book. Like, a real book. That people will read and also maybe pay for, thereby making me money. If said book is written, I vow to make it so my book tour includes a week in Hawaii. On the beach. Maybe my book should be about Hawaii beaches, so I can just sit on the beach and call it “research.” This may be my best resolution ever.
5. I resolve not to have a temper tantrum every time someone from a reality show publishes a book, because these temper tantrums are not good for my blood pressure and they make me look ridiculous. Instead, I will work on getting my own reality show, based on the life of a freelance writer who has cats that are both high-maintenance and hilarious. “This week on The Writer’s Life, Heidi faces a dilemma when one of her cats discovers the cure for cancer but Heidi has a deadline for an article about llama marriages. Will she get a deadline extension? Will cancer be cured? Will Snooki sabotage the llama marriage?” There will be one episode devoted entirely to counting how many times the cats cross my desk between me and my computer and accidentally press buttons on the keyboard while doing so.
6. I resolve to spend less time thinking about how awesome the reality show based on my writing career would be–and planning out each episode–and spend that time doing actual work. But seriously, an episode based on things my cats accidentally type on my computer would not only be mind-blowingly awesome, it would also be hilarious and, I think, highly insightful. It would really enlighten people about what the lives of writers’ cats are like, and I refuse to believe it would be any less interesting than watching people drive their trucks across ice.
7. I resolve to leave my office more frequently and get out into the real world, mainly so I can prove it does still exist. Because what’s the point of writing if the audience no longer exists?
And finally, I resolve to have more fun, make people laugh, worry less, clean more (but not a lot more, cause that would completely contradict that “have more fun” thing I wrote earlier), not procrastinate, be more kind and win the lottery. These all seem not only reasonable, but highly likely and actually inevitable. Especially that “win the lottery” thing. This year is definitely my year.
